I’ve been changing.
I don’t know if the past few months of questioning and hardship have re-shaped my dreams, if I’m hitting a quarter life crisis, or what. But there’s no question that my priorities have shifted, that my wants have changed, that I’m going a different direction. I think.
I say ‘I think’ because although this inward change feels permanent, it’s hard to tell if it truly is. My emotions and desires seem to be different every week – one thing, then another. Always contrasting, never in unity.
But it feels different then all the other changes and decisions and directions. It’s that peace you hear people talk about, that settled harmony in your soul. For the first time, I’ve felt content to be where I am right now, and I’ve had no desire to go away. And for me, that’s strange, because as long as I can remember I’ve always wanted to go, to experience, to see.
And of course, I haven’t had a massive personality shift- I still love adventure and I love exploring new things. But I’m also okay here. Actually, I love it here. Right where I am. I can actually see a future here and can dream about the things I always assumed were impossible here.
For the first time in my entire life, I am content here.
I have no idea what the next year will bring. I’m pumped for what’s ahead, although there are plenty of uncertainties. But when is life ever set in stone?
For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about- who don’t know what I mean by feeling ‘content’ here- I get you. For 22 years, I was you. Longing for a place to call home, but not knowing where it was. Wanting to see everything the world has to offer before I decide to settle down, or get attached, or be vulnerable. To be everything I thought I could possibly want to be. Living with the purpose of not regretting anything.
Being content now, feeling like this is home – it hasn’t happened over night. There has been so much struggle. There have been times when I doubt that I could ever fully learn to love and embrace here. That I was needed or wanted here. But now I realize no place is perfect, and despite mistakes and less-then desirable circumstances there’s always something to bring sunshine, always a piece of life you can turn into home.
I didn’t realize how much here means to me until I was hell-bent on leaving. And we still are. And we don’t know what tomorrow looks like, for sure – but now that we’re definitely taking some time away, leaving here- it’s harder to say goodbye, no matter how temporary.