This week has come with a lot of emotions for me.
And I suppose to an extent it’s all very normal, and probably quite obvious. I cry a lot more (over really silly stuff) and have been mood-swinging to the extreme. But everything is changing, again, and I guess the tear fests and hours I spend re-organizing are how I handle it.
Any day now, Jeff and I are going to be parents. Whoo! I couldn’t be more excited, more ready feeling. All her clothes are washed, her crib is all set up and I’m tired of holding 6+ pounds of baby in my body. I am so excited to snuggle with her, to dress her up, to breastfeed her, and show her off. I am so excited to watch Jeff become a father.
But I couldn’t be more hesitant, and less ready. I know, that totally contradicts what I just said. But the closer I get to giving birth, the more and more I realize that these are literally the last few days it’s ever going to be just Jeff + I. I know, one day we’ll be empty nesters and of course just because we have a child doesn’t mean we won’t be able to maintain a strong, intimate relationship. It’s just the last time it will ever only be Jeff and Veronica, the last time I won’t ever be thinking of taking care of, looking after, or worrying about the child we created together.
And it’s all so very bitter sweet to me.
These days, it’s become so easy for me to just glance at my husband and burst into tears. Sad tears, of sorts, because I so treasure our time together and love how we’ve been blessed with so much time alone, just the two of us. And happy tears, of course, because I can already see the love he has for Joy and what a wonderful father he is going to be.
I see all this change as the ending of our personal fairy-tale.
I see all this change as the start of something a little bit more beautiful.
And I’m really not sure how to handle it, except to write all this up and take a deep break and re-organize a little bit more. I realize major adjustment and change is a part of life, and that adding Joy to our little family is simply an opportunity for us to grow in ways we never could have without her.
This change is a little bit more sweet then bitter, and fortunately anything ‘bitter’ are just the growing pains life brings. Without those, I guess I could never really grow stronger, wiser, and learn how to be more authentic.
All this aside, I am ready to meet little Joy, who I so desperately need. Despite the emotional mess I’ll likely be for the next bit of time, I know she is such a crucial piece of my heart and I would never, ever change a thing. I am so grateful for this period of change, for without it I would never know how intense it is to love something unborn, to miss something that’s not even lost, and to prepare your heart for years of change ahead.