Confession.

I don’t enjoy motherhood.

They, whoever ‘they’ are, drilled it deep into me even as a child that motherhood is enjoyable. That there’s no greater calling, no better purpose, nothing more fun. Sure, they said it would be hard, they said it would be challenging and trying, but never did I expect the intense frustration and just terribleness motherhood sometimes is.

lamington

Now, don’t get me wrong- I am so in love with my baby Joy. She is the sweetest thing, and I love spending time with her and getting to know her personality. So far, she is OCD about her schedule and hates clothing, which is all pretty cute. But I digress.

But the job, the task of motherhood. That. I love, in theory, the idea of being a stay-at-home mom. I like day dreaming about my child and the finger painting we’ll do together, the visits to the park, reading bedtimes stories, etc- but in reality life is a lot, lot more mundane, more scheduled + exact then I ever thought it would be.

To be more specific, I hate the predictability. The schedule, the obvious chain of events, the lack of creativity my day holds, and I suppose some would say the responsibility. I miss being able to mix things up- to meet someone for coffee, to dedicate myself again to my passions. I greatly dislike feeling like a cow for 30 minutes multiple times a day, and holding a screaming baby that just won’t be soothed is pretty difficult as well. Life isn’t full of driving to the park type moments, and at this stage I’m lucky if we’re still doing round three of Itsy Bitsy Spider, let along finger painting.

I know, I know- I need to find joy and grace and purpose in the mundane. Don’t worry, I’ve bought multiple books that probably will repeat the same advice you’re kindly trying to give me. And I know that the days hold little moments that I can cherish, that make it all worth it. Sometimes I see them, and sometimes I don’t.

It’s all selfish, I suppose. And truly, I love being Joy’s mother – just not the actual process of parenting and scheduling. And I’m writing all this, really, just hoping that some can relate to the fact that I can’t find all of my joy, my ultimate calling, the completion of everything ‘Veronica’ inside of my child. I’m writing this for other mothers who struggle to enjoy the mundane every day – there’s nothing wrong with you, and you aren’t alone. 

There’s something wonderful, for sure, about motherhood. And I envy the mothers who beam and claim they are in their glory days. “Surely THIS is what I was made for,” everything about them seems to say. And you know, maybe despite my impressions, there *isn’t* anyone like that (or am I completely out of touch?). Maybe we all need to come together and eat Ice Cream and just say me too.

I know I am doing a great work. I know there is purpose, there is reason for being a parent. I know the sacrifices I make daily are not in vain.

But it takes work, a lot of painful, intentional work, to recognize the little moments as big ones, the dull day-to-day as glorious, and parenting as enjoyable.

I’m getting there, I think. Relishing in the painfully long feedings, enjoying the bedtime routine/fight Joy and I share every night, and remembering and reminding myself that not only will this too pass, but one day, I’ll miss these little moments.

 

 

 

Advertisements

31 thoughts on “Confession.

  1. I understand and have had those moments, especially when my kids were babies. I loved my children but often felt trapped but guilty because all I had ever wanted was to be a mother. I did not live near to family and with my husband at work I was not able to get that time away. Like others have said, it does get better as they grow! You will rediscover yourself again (not that you are lost now), in fact you will find you have deeper dimensions than ever before! Give it some time. This is only a season. You will feel “normal” again! My kids are now 10, 8, and 6 and am loving this stage and wish I could freeze time for awhile! My advice to you is to try to get enough sleep. I know that was crucial for me! God bless you and your little family. God has placed you right where you are at just this time on purpose! Find rest and comfort in that!

  2. Oh girl, I totally get this. I think it has to do with our ENFP personalities. We hate schedules and get fueled by conversation, people, and all extroverted things. So when we are inside following schedules all day it makes us a little bit mad. I try to get out as much a possible. Even if it’s going into target with Leo or going for a walk. It will get so much easier as she gets older. I am too, working out contentment in the mundane. It’s hard work, I actually hate it. It’s a season. Just make time for you to be extroverted 🙂 Love you.

  3. Hey! I found your site while researching tiny homes, but this sounded so similar to me that I had to comment. I think because no one really talks about this. that when women do experience it, it can be incredibly isolating. I had a really hard time with early motherhood (and postpartum depression), and it was very demoralizing. I felt like everyone had promised me this would be the best time of my life, and it made me feel like a failure.

    I loved my baby more than anything, but I just didn’t enjoy it.

    I wish I could say there was one thing that helped me make things better, but honestly? I just dug my heels in and got through it. I held it together for my kid, and then cried in the shower – no shame in that. Crying is our body’s emotional release valve. I drank a lot of tea, and went through more dark chocolate than was probably necessary. But the biggest thing was that in the hard times, I repeated to myself that it had to be done because she was counting on me. That helped me keep going when I felt I hit a wall.

    It did get better with time. My kid got a little older, and while I was already in love with her, we became friends. Now she’s three, and it’s still work, and still tiring, but it’s also amazing. I love every day with her. She’s my best friend, honestly. You’ll get there, and don’t be too hard on yourself for struggling with it. It’s not a failing on your part, it’s just the way some people are. You’re still pushing through and caring for your kid, and that’s the important part.

    The best thing I can recommend is getting out. It can seem like, when you’re stuck at home, that the walls are closing in. Grabbing a stroller or baby sling and just getting out can be very freeing. Make time for yourself, and don’t completely lose yourself to the ‘motherhood’ identity – something I’m still working on. I think it’s especially important as mothers of girls to be examples of, hey, this is a thing you might do, but you don’t have to completely give yourself away to it. I would read outloud to her, but I would read the books *I* wanted to read. Also, if she’s not yet, sleeping through the night is a total game changer. I did not realize how much the lack of sleep was impacting me until I was getting it again.

    This got long, and idk, maybe it’s a little tmi, but whenever I see another mom going through what I did, I always want to say something. You’ll get there, you are clearly a great mother, and it’ll be okay.

    1. No, Carlin this was amazing and so needed! Thank you for your honesty and encouragement. I feel like this is definitely a conversation mothers should be having more. We have been fed a lie (accidentally, I’m sure, but all the same) that motherhood is the entirety of who we are and that it is hard yet almost always enjoyable. I appreciate you for sharing!!

  4. I think you are very brave to have written this. I think a lot of moms feel the same way. I’m not a mom but we fostered 2 girls several years ago. It was the hardest thing I have ever been through. When people say it is hard being a parent, that doesn’t do it justice (even for foster parents). There needs to be a much larger, harrowing word to even begin to describe it. Best of luck.

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s