I’m In This Season…

I’ve been a little quiet lately on social media, besides pointless scrolling and otherwise non-engaging in other people’s things. And although I told myself that I’m just a little too busy to engage in writing and sharing photos, I realize as my days go by that’s just something I’m telling myself to feel a bit better about ignoring my personal goals and commitments.

Truth is, I haven’t written because I don’t have much to say these days. And by that, I mean I’ve been battling some major insecurity about what’s worth sharing and what people want to hear. Like all of us do at some point, I assume the worst about my own story, thinking nobody would care or relate.

In the past month (or so) there has been a major re-adjustment in our home. Things weren’t working out the way we’d like. We’re currently in a one-bedroom apartment, which was great when Joy was 3 months old and hardly scooting. It was cozy, it was perfect. But now, she’s 9 months old and getting ready to walk, we’ve added a puppy with endless energy to the mix AND are still maintaining our photography business from home. Joy, although old enough to entertain herself, still needs attention, still needs someone to prepare meals and give baths and with her crawling everywhere she constantly needs gentle correction. Our lovable dog is wonderful but also is still learning, still training. Trying to run a business while co-parenting at the same time was nearly impossible.

Since then, our days have been filled with lots of stress, lots of re-scheduling and evaluating and time management.

And the only way our current set-up can work is for me to back off from working, to back off from learning, and to embrace the ‘stay at home mom’ status. Friends, this has been hard.

Now, don’t get me wrong- I love being a stay at home mom, to a degree. I love Joy being around us, I love her to pieces. But as I seem to constantly say, I’m not mom material. I’m not a great housewife, and I can only play patty-cake so many times before wanting some wine and a warm bath. But now, this is literally all my life consists of- waking up to hungry child, entertaining screaming child, doing household chores while child sleeps, and repeat.

Then the day is over. And all I feel like I got done is a bunch of dishes (that are dirty again) and if I’m lucky chugging two cups of coffee.

I don’t mean to complain, and I hope you don’t take any of this as ungrateful or dissatisfied. I’m adjusting, that’s all, from working on emails and editing and social media and phone calls, to being full time mom. And I know fulfillment is in here somewhere, I know the more I do it, the better I’ll get and the more I’ll understand why.

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But back to that insecurity. It’s hard for me to share with ya’ll when I have so much doubt about my place and my days and just purpose. I tell myself that going through this means I don’t have anything positive to share, or anything useful.

I’m wrong, though. Throughout all this self-doubt and drama, there is one thing I can say.

You, going through a rough season of self-evaluation. Of changing direction. Of revisiting your purpose and your dreams and desires. You aren’t alone.

And we may be so different- you might be single, you might be going to work instead of staying at home, you might be entering a nesting stage. But despite our differences we sometimes feel the same thing.

So if you feel a little overwhelmed, a little lonely, a little unqualified- you aren’t the only one.

Let me remind you (and myself, while I’m at it) that this is just a season. It will change, it will pass. Ultimately, this season gives us a choice to stay stagnant, or to grow. To barely make it through, or learn to flourish despite difficulty. And even in your doubts, in your insecurities, your story has meaning. You have meaning right where you are, and you don’t need to sugar coat what’s going on because, honestly, doesn’t this world full of selfies and filters need a little bit more honesty? Am I right? Maybe all someone needs to hear is “yeah, I’m having a rough time too.”

We may not see it yet, but things will improve. Seasons change. Chaos becomes normal. We adjust.

I’ll be okay. You will be, too.

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As usual, I want to hear from you. I know not all of us are in a self-evaluating, slightly painful season of growth- so please, if that’s you, spread some love and encouragement in the comments about your story. And if you are struggling, take a moment to say me, too in the comments. If you are feeling brave, let me know how I can pray for you.

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11 thoughts on “I’m In This Season…

  1. ME TOO!

    I’m right with ya! I often feel that I spend all of my time taking care of a bunch of little people who just step all over me and don’t listen to a word I say (although I usually phrase those thoughts with much more colorful language).

    I have three kiddos (8, 6, and 3) and another on the way. I begin homeschool this month, right around the time the new baby should make his appearance. I’m so stressed! There is SO MUCH to do and I end up doing seemingly meaningless, pointless stuff during the day that will just be UNdone a few seconds after they’re done. I finally got around to vacuuming, mopping, dusting, cleaning the bathrooms this weekend and I was so red and tired and sweaty and sore afterwards… and do things look clean around here?! Not really. Could be worse, but it’s “good enough.”

    I feel like I spend all my time in the kitchen making and cleaning up after meals, and I’m constantly beating myself up getting the best deals on groceries and trying to feed my family well while also not gaining a million pounds just by looking at what I want to eat and bemoaning the fact that I have to cook in this ridiculous heat and not wanting to wash the stupid dishes already and ohmigod it’s already dinnertime?! And I need to make sure there are three meals’ worth of leftovers for hubby who works 24-hour shifts. *sigh* And that’s not even laundry and school stuff and taking care of birthday gifts and holidays and sewing and errands and social obligations and yadda yadda. I feel like taking showers and going to the bathroom must be included in there somewhere, but those things almost feel like luxuries – hehe.

    Oh… and did I mention trying to feel like I have any sort of spiritual life with devotions, trying to feel close to the man I married (go on a date? what’s a date?), trying to remain cheerful through it all. Arrrgh! It’s a daily struggle, it really is, and many times I mess up and explode under the pressure of it all. Doesn’t help that I’m an introvert! Amazing how I can feel so alone, constantly surrounded by my own little people.

    I know there are lessons to be learned from every season in life. It may not seem like it, but being a mother is one of the highest callings – raising human being to be the best people they can be. Yes, it’s a thankless job, but this too shall pass. I’m not able to keep it in perspective all the time, but I KNOW there will be a day when I miss the crazy commotion, miss taking care of little people, miss cooking for them and doing their laundry and all the stuff that goes along with it.

    1. Yes, mama, yes! Thank you so much for sharing your heart and struggles. You are absolutely right, of course there are lessons and of course it’s a high calling- but it’s next to impossible to keep that mindset 100% of the time. It’s like a battlefront of cheerios and dirty laundry. Praying for you to experience some peace this week (even if it’s just a new mindset!) and I so hope you can find some time to spend with your husband! You are a great mom.

  2. Veronica,

    Me too! Even though we’ve been friends for a short time it seems you try your best to make every situation a positive one. As my parents always remind me, all you can do is your best and let God take care of the rest.

    Great read. Keep writing.

    Love,
    Rachel

  3. Yes- whew it is hard to realize at times that seasons need different things. I was recently talking with a friend about her adjustment to staying home and how she missed the confirmation from her work that she was doing a good job and at home it is not like your kids say “wow mommy good job on this meal!” haha! It has been good for me to remember why I am doing what I do and to still carve out space to also have some writing time. So glad you shared about this!

  4. Me too!

    I am so glad you shared this! I haven’t posted in 5 months (until yesterday) because of the same feelings. My baby girl is ten months now. My husband is looking for a new job while trying to maintain the one he has now, and I am working full time. There is an endless struggle between me and my nagging mommy voice in my head. Laundry, dishes, and other household cleaning items are never checked off the to-do list, much less finding any new ways to play with my baby. That dern mommy voice tells me this isn’t good enough. It also whispers that I should be home with my baby instead of dropping her at daycare every day.

    Needless to say, I have certainly had my insecurities and stresses. The thing I keep coming back to is Matthew 6:25-34. I try to have faith and hand it over to God, and these verses have offered some comfort in my struggles. Although I find letting go to be one of the hardest tasks, I hope this comforts you as well!

    1. Oh girl, you are not alone. Thank you for sharing this with me! I absolutely love the passage you shared- often I refer to it to remind myself to not worry and just trust.

      I know the mom guild it so hard- but girl it’s okay! You are doing the best you can in the situation you have, and your baby will be just fine.

      Thanks for your encouragement!

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