I’ve been a little quiet lately on social media, besides pointless scrolling and otherwise non-engaging in other people’s things. And although I told myself that I’m just a little too busy to engage in writing and sharing photos, I realize as my days go by that’s just something I’m telling myself to feel a bit better about ignoring my personal goals and commitments.
Truth is, I haven’t written because I don’t have much to say these days. And by that, I mean I’ve been battling some major insecurity about what’s worth sharing and what people want to hear. Like all of us do at some point, I assume the worst about my own story, thinking nobody would care or relate.
In the past month (or so) there has been a major re-adjustment in our home. Things weren’t working out the way we’d like. We’re currently in a one-bedroom apartment, which was great when Joy was 3 months old and hardly scooting. It was cozy, it was perfect. But now, she’s 9 months old and getting ready to walk, we’ve added a puppy with endless energy to the mix AND are still maintaining our photography business from home. Joy, although old enough to entertain herself, still needs attention, still needs someone to prepare meals and give baths and with her crawling everywhere she constantly needs gentle correction. Our lovable dog is wonderful but also is still learning, still training. Trying to run a business while co-parenting at the same time was nearly impossible.
Since then, our days have been filled with lots of stress, lots of re-scheduling and evaluating and time management.
And the only way our current set-up can work is for me to back off from working, to back off from learning, and to embrace the ‘stay at home mom’ status. Friends, this has been hard.
Now, don’t get me wrong- I love being a stay at home mom, to a degree. I love Joy being around us, I love her to pieces. But as I seem to constantly say, I’m not mom material. I’m not a great housewife, and I can only play patty-cake so many times before wanting some wine and a warm bath. But now, this is literally all my life consists of- waking up to hungry child, entertaining screaming child, doing household chores while child sleeps, and repeat.
Then the day is over. And all I feel like I got done is a bunch of dishes (that are dirty again) and if I’m lucky chugging two cups of coffee.
I don’t mean to complain, and I hope you don’t take any of this as ungrateful or dissatisfied. I’m adjusting, that’s all, from working on emails and editing and social media and phone calls, to being full time mom. And I know fulfillment is in here somewhere, I know the more I do it, the better I’ll get and the more I’ll understand why.
But back to that insecurity. It’s hard for me to share with ya’ll when I have so much doubt about my place and my days and just purpose. I tell myself that going through this means I don’t have anything positive to share, or anything useful.
I’m wrong, though. Throughout all this self-doubt and drama, there is one thing I can say.
You, going through a rough season of self-evaluation. Of changing direction. Of revisiting your purpose and your dreams and desires. You aren’t alone.
And we may be so different- you might be single, you might be going to work instead of staying at home, you might be entering a nesting stage. But despite our differences we sometimes feel the same thing.
So if you feel a little overwhelmed, a little lonely, a little unqualified- you aren’t the only one.
Let me remind you (and myself, while I’m at it) that this is just a season. It will change, it will pass. Ultimately, this season gives us a choice to stay stagnant, or to grow. To barely make it through, or learn to flourish despite difficulty. And even in your doubts, in your insecurities, your story has meaning. You have meaning right where you are, and you don’t need to sugar coat what’s going on because, honestly, doesn’t this world full of selfies and filters need a little bit more honesty? Am I right? Maybe all someone needs to hear is “yeah, I’m having a rough time too.”
We may not see it yet, but things will improve. Seasons change. Chaos becomes normal. We adjust.
I’ll be okay. You will be, too.
As usual, I want to hear from you. I know not all of us are in a self-evaluating, slightly painful season of growth- so please, if that’s you, spread some love and encouragement in the comments about your story. And if you are struggling, take a moment to say me, too in the comments. If you are feeling brave, let me know how I can pray for you.