Ridiculous Insecurity

I am now in my third trimester and 31 weeks of pregnancy and the feeling is ah-mazing! I am over 2/3rds there and am on a pregnancy high of “I can do it, I can do it.” It’s really wonderful to see the finish line finally in sight.

ridiculousinsecurty

So far, this pregnancy has been relatively easy. Of course, I had very light morning sickness in the first few weeks and now the regular bathroom trips and round ligament pain, but really nothing notable enough to complain about.

Despite my health, though, I struggled with inadequacy. Weird, right? But I got caught up in everything my pregnancy wasn’t. Wasn’t morning sickness supposed to be terrible? And wasn’t I supposed to be hormonal and eating enough for two grown men? While all the other pregnant ladies I knew (seemed to) struggle intensely with their bodies, I was feeling nearly the same as pre-pregnancy. What was wrong with me that I wasn’t acting like a ‘normal’ pregnant lady? I allowed myself to twist the well-intended words of friends and family to mean something much more menacing… Clearly, my pregnancy experience and birth story wouldn’t be near as exciting or fulfilling as it was for the mothers who suffered their entire pregnancy for their child.

So, foolishly, I drew myself away. I stopped asking questions, and was on the lookout for any slight irritation or inconvenience I could blame on pregnancy just so I could say me, too. I stopped writing for a long time, afraid that my relatively painless and easy journey would be perceived as fake and laughable, rather then relatable and helpful (no matter what I was even writing about!).

As the birth draws closer (just ten weeks until due date), I am realizing the mistake I’ve been making for over six months. Instead of embracing my own unique experience (and the gift of ‘easy’), I fell into the trap of comparison and, in a very odd form, envy. Having a easy pregnancy doesn’t make me any less prepared to go into labor, nor does it mean that I am any less adequate or deserving of the child inside of me. I know, I know- it sounds so very silly to even consider that anyone would think that.

So now, I am ignoring the lies I’ve forced upon myself and will focus on my unique pregnancy, my beautiful baby. So what If I don’t have tons of pregnancy pains and concerns? So what if I choose to do things in a slightly different way then others?  It’s all going to be okay, and this experience is unique to Jeff, Joy, and me- and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

When have you believed something ridiculous about yourself? Are you currently battling insecurity from other people’s experiences? Most importantly, what are you doing to embrace your own unique story- whatever your story may be?

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  1. Wow, what a struggle…………I was the youngest of all my friends to give birth to a normal, healthy, large son in the early days of “natural child birth”. I never had anyone else’s story to compare too and thankfully my friends wouldn’t have heard any complaints from me. I was also super blessed in my Dr telling me how unique my birthing experience was, not the normal or easiest “natural childbirth”, unique and very much more private than the world we live in today. I guess I am embracing the good old days when everyone knew their experiences were unique and also the shock and surprise to find out the gender of my child while still laboring over the last push…………yes, those were good old, unique days. Your ancient Aunt Tammy

  2. I feel the exact same way but for the exact opposite reason…I feel that by putting on loads of weight, being tired and in pain, swelling up, and all the other crap I have completely failed myself and my husband. This was meant to be a beautiful and enjoyable time! I think we beat ourselves up whatever happens. I hope you carry on enjoying pregnancy and that your labour is just as straight forward 🙂 xxx
    Ps…loving your blog! You have a beautiful home!!!

    1. Thank you for your thoughts! I feel as though a woman in today’s modern and over-sharing society, it’s so easy for us to see our pregnancies (or any stage of life!) as ‘inadequate’ or a ‘failure’ compared to others. You are not a failure, your body is completing the most beautiful (and very difficult!) work of creating life. Thank you so much!

  3. I felt the same way for the longest time! I kept telling my husband I wasn’t sure I was really pregnant. (Even after two sonograms!) Talking/writing about the pregnancy and anything that I experienced helped. Hence, the blog.